Heading to Newport

I'm not giving up. Heading down to Newport for the weekend. Gonna get loose. All my Bros are are meeting me down there. Down to Austen and myself. If I win, I am gonna buy something pretty. If not, I'll buy something pretty anyway.

I Save Lives

Went out with a bunch of friends last night to get some drinks. Met my man Tony D first at some bar near his work. Bunch of other friends rolled in after that. We're just chillin out shooting the breeze. It was hot as shit out so my friend Carla and I both look out the window to look up at the clouds to see if its gonna rain. What neither of us realize is that her hair went into A candle on the window. So before that were talking about smoking. So I look over and see smoke. I'm thinking to myself " did she just light up a cigarette?". I look at the back of her head and the whole thing is on fire. So with my cat like reflexes I start patting her head to put the fire out. Not too many people saw what happened. All the people at my table were freaked. It was awesome though. Carla was a little freaked out. You couldn't even see a difference in her hair. I got to it early. To Carla's credit, she took it like a trooper. She stayed out later than me. God love ya babe. So remember. If your ever in a bar and your hair catches on fire. You better hope I am within striking distance to put it out. Good Times.

Back in Boston

So fucking tired. Just got to my bro Tony's house. I need a rehab. Went to Lotus last night in NYC. Thanks for the cock block Birkenhead.

More NYC

Haven't written any good post lately. Here goes. Made it back from The South of France in one piece. The travel time was unbearable. 10 hours on a plane with these two English assholes behind me. I almost killed one of them before take off. I was just checking the recline of my seat and the fuck head pushes my seat forward. So I turn around and say " don't push my chair fuck head". He starts getting all loud trying to scare me and shit. Yeah right. So 10 hours with those dickheads. I get to Paris and have to catch a connecting flight to Nice. Another 2 hours. Then a car picks me up for another 2 hour car ride to the south. What a nightmare. I get to the hotel and have a bunch of beers in the sun. The place was amazing. Stayed there for 3 days and cruised.

I couldn't wait to get to NYC. So far my expectations have been met. Went on a kick ass booze cruise with my bro Ryan, his old lady and my friend Laura. What a great time. Cruised around the Statue of Liberty while the sun set. Plus I had a great buzz. After that went to some bar and had more beers. Then we went to this place called Lucky Changs to sing Kareoke. It's a transvestite bar. Really funny. These dudes were huge. Laura was so bad she was good. Ryan was fantastic, and I did an amazing rendition of Whitney Houstens "I will always love you". I fucking own that song. Ryan and Monica did a duet. I just don't remember what it was. They were great. I have no idea what happened after that. Black out city. Yesterday went to the Hotel Gansavoort and sat at the pool all day. It was great tons of hot broads in bikini's. Had about 10 drinks there and cruised over to some Mexican place and had some more beers. Then we cruised across the street to Sushi Samba and did shots and had a couple more beers. Got back to Ryan's had some more beers and waited for his brother and his friend Dave. Had some more beers, then went to my friends bar Stone Creek and met a bunch of friends. Got so wasted. Ended up naked outside of the place. Then I blacked out again. Don't remember making phone calls or coming back to Ryan's place. Good Times. Gonna try and take it easy tonight. We shall see.

Hungry Pants

Took this picture at the airport. Couldn't pass it up. This women had some serious hungry pants. Her butt looked like it was eating her pants.

NYC

All I can say is this place has so much culture. Stole a robe from france. Gave it to my friend Ryan. He traded me a Speedo. I feel so fresh right now. He has a lovely cowboy hat. I'm jealous. Anyway, We have some work to do. Until next time. Suck it again. If your in NYC get at me. Iv'e been doing sit ups.

Fuck Europe

Back in NYC. Went on a booze cruise last night with my friends Ryan and Laura. What a good time. Still shit faced. Write more later. Heading out to walk the smelly city. Austen you were right. This place rules.

I love Barnes N Nobles

Maurizio took this picture after we had dinner in the Grove. Sometimes I scare myself. It was good for a laugh though. Enjoy it you shitbags.

Take this Blog and Shove it

I'm back bitches, I have some great news... I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance. Ha. My friend Ryan used that one on me. Told me to call him back and that he had great news. I thought it was funny. Anyway, Going on Vacation. Heading to the South of France for 5 days to hang out with some friends of mine. From there going to NYC. The place stinks like a fat ladies sweaty butt crack in the summer. Gonna hang out with some friends there. I plan on getting real loose. After that, I head back up to Boston for about 10 days. Staying with my man (Tony D and the place to be). We're gonna round up a crew about 10 deep or so, and fuck that place up. Gonna head down to Newport RI from there with my bro Matty. He's got a place down there near the beach. Stay for the weekend and own that shithole too. I love that place haven't been in so long. After that, back to Boston for a couple more days. Take a little break get some sleep, walk around the city, see some more friends.


Heading up to Vermont from Boston. My friend Ryan has a kickass Wiffle Ball tourney called the BirkenBlast (his last name is Birkenhead). Tony Matt and myself won the thing two years ago. Going up to defend our title. Ryan's old man own a bunch of bars up there. He comes by with a ton of booze and beers and we play wiffle ball all day. The field is amazing. Ryan makes the place look like fuckin Fenway. Back to Boston again from there for a Day or two. Then back out to lovely Hollyweird.


This trip is gonna take a toll on me. I can feel it already. The whole trip is about 3 weeks. I really need to pace myself. Really looking forward to getting out of LA for a while. I love it, but I need to get home and see my friends. Gonna miss Austen Maurizio and my crazy neighbor Chuck. Chuck and I went down to San Clemente yesterday at like 5 in the morning to go surfing. The weather wasn't great but the waves made up for it. We surfed in the morning, had a couple of beers and surfed again in the afternoon. Then (it was on like Donkey Kong"Retardo") We pumped down a 20 pack of Miller lites and had a BBQ. Left there at like 7. Hit his friends Cindy and Brians place for a couple Tanqueray and Tonics. I was pretty lit by then. Chilled out for a bit and drove back up to Hollywood. It's like and hour with no traffic. Got back and grabbed 12 pack of Miller Lite's. I had about 5 of them and just gave up. I was cooked
from the sun, filled with booze and wiped out from surfing. Slept like a baby. Is that enough for ya. Suck it again.

Down Time is Fun

LA sucks, but I love it. Ned your one strange motherfucker. I appreciate the post though. Got me thinking about my time in London.

The amount of down town on one of those shows is incredible. You get up at 5-6 in the morning. You wait for however many people are left in the cast to shower and get ready. Then head downstairs to be greeted by English Breakfast. That's a story within itself. The Classic English Breakfast consist of watered down eggs. At least I think they were eggs. Stewed tomatoes, Mr. T size sausages, mushrooms and hash browns. By the end of the first week I couldn't even look at that shit. If you got lucky you could get a bowl of cereal, but those lucky breaks were few and far between. They don't have coffee makers over there. They have these coffee presses, which I liked. You could make the brew real strong. Help you shit your pants right after the Classic English Breakfast.

After that, we load up on the bus. As always you would have to wait for the two He/She's. Those broads would be arguing over who was gonna wear the leather wristband today. I just couldn't understand them at all. I used to get a real kick out of what they would wear. One day Retardo comes down in this Aztec sweatsuit, and these sunglasses that wrapped around his head. Along with the hoarse main style hair job. I almost pissed my pants. Then Slav comes down in these tight Dolce pants, and when I say tight I mean tight. You could see each one of his balls. One on each side of his crotch. It looked like he was in pain wearing them. Gotta give it up to him though. The guy will do anything to look like an absolute dipshit.

Then on to the location. You basically get there two hours early so a bunch PA's can set up all the shit and the director can find out where the best place to get the shots are gonna be. Once that is done. They say "alright, gentlemen" and give you the directions on what you are supposed to do. So you get off the bus, do exactly what the director tells you, and they tell you to do it again. I think everything is shot to get a close shot and a wide shot. I really don't know. I used to make fun of the Director (GT) AKA Glenn Taylor, who I really liked. I was just good at mimicking his voice. The whole cast and crew used to get a huge kick out of it. That was pretty much every place we had to go.

The house was the same way. I would look for shit to do. I used to borrow money from Austen and go over to the gas station to by all the tabloid papers. They have some great titty pics in those things. It was kind of like prison where you wait for each meal so you could get together and shoot the breeze. Half way through out the whole thing I was destroying shit. Throwing food on the ceiling, eggs across the room. Just anything to kill the boredom. I put a basket on my head once and had a bunch of people gun fruit at my head. Talk about board. It's funny though, you get a lot more creative without T.V, magazines, newspapers.

We had the use of our ipods. They said they were gonna take them away from us, but they never did. Austen had his computer with him. They never took that either. (nerd alert) He had all this strange music on it. Fucking Barry Manilow. I can remember humming Mandy a million times throughout the day. He also had music by these other two guys. Can't remember there name. Was some of the worst shit I have ever heard.

I don't just write post... I blow them away. (Retardo on women episode two)

Lazy Days

I didn't do shit today. Went for a for a run in Runyon Canyon around 2. Probably the worst time of the day to do it because of the smog. You don't see to many people there at that time because they all have jobs. I'm trying to find myself right now. I just found myself over at my neighbors house having about 8 beers. Gonna get motivated tomorrow. I think. It's tough with the weather. Everyday in LA is fantastic. I'm gonna grow a beard. That will give me something to do.

Another Kick Ass Weekend

Once again I have out done myself. My friend Andy came into town from St. Louis. His sister found him a hotel online and the place sucked. So to my delight, Andy decided to check into the Four Seasons. Easily the best decision we, I mean he ever made. After playing tennis with Maurizio yesterday. He and I rolled over to meet Andy at the pool. Paradise does exist, and it's at the pool at the Four Seasons. The place is fuckin awesome.

I had about 4 or 5 beers. I made Maurizio put it on his credit card cause I convieneintly forgot my wallet in my car. Thanks Z. You owe me anyway you cheap bastard. I swam, I hot tubbed. It was pretty nice. After that Z and I went to Bristol Farms (its a rich asshole supermarket in Bev Hills) Z bought some kind of stew shit. Looked gross. I had no money. So I just grabbed some chips and some sushi and started eating it. We finished up and I walked out without paying. Easily the best bargin in Bev Hills. We went back to his house for a couple more beers and a few laughs. Sometimes he and I just laugh at nothing. Thinking about it makes me laugh.

We decided to meet up with Andy and his crew at El Centro. I brought my crazy neighbor and his friend along. We get there and it's black night. My neighbor and his friend decide to bail without even going in. It was pretty packed. We got a couple beers and some shots from Z's bro Brandon. Andy and his group get in and a fight breaks out. The place gets cleared out and I think the night is over. Yeah Right. End up going to Andy's bros house out in Silverlake. We had a couple beers, then Z called wanted to know what we were doing. Andy and I bailed quick. Went back to the hotel drank some more beers with Z and passed out.

Woke up this morning with a severe hang over. Took about 20 Advil, did about 500 push ups (in the nude) and headed down to the pool with Andy. Once again Paradise. Sat there all day long drinkin beers and staring at tits. Some of the women there were so hot. I almost sprung a leak. Heading back in the morning. I hope everyone gets a chance to not work for a year and do pretty much nothing. I can't even imagine having a job again. There isn't enough time in the day to go for a run, play tennis and sit by the pool with a job. I have no idea how I ever did it. I'm not trying to say that I am better than anyone, but I am. Suck it.

: Playing Tennis with Maurizio :

I mean what the fuck. The guy takes forever. Been waiting to play all day. I'm gonna get to the courts and have to wait another 20 minutes for him to arrive. My bro the Crapper is in town. He's staying at the Four Seasons. I want to head over there and go swimming, while I put away about 10 beers. This is the shit I deal with everyday. I love not having a job. Gives me more time to bitch about shit that doesn't matter. Z, you gonna be late for your adult circumscribe. Fuckin asshole.

Fashion Show

Maurizio talked me into doing this fashion show a couple of weeks ago. I've done a million of them. (not true) I thought it was gonna suck, but we ended up having a blast. We showed up late and found out that it was all reality people. First person I met was Nick from the Apprentice. He was a cool guy. A shitload fatter in person. They show us how they want us to walk down the runway. I wasn't really paying attention. I figured I would just wing it. After that we went in and checked out the clothes they were giving us. My shit wasn't that bad. Some of the guys had some super gay shit. So they make us wait like two hours until the place fills up. By that time Z and I were five drinks deep. I wouldn't say we were smashed, but we had a nice head buzz.

The fashion show starts, no one is really nervous. Just looking to get it over so we could have some more drinks and scan the crowd for ladies. I ended up pulling my pants down and showing my ass. So stupid. I thought is was pretty funny and so did Maurizio. My crazy neighbor showed up and took some pictures. That's a whole post in it self. My neighbor should have his own sitcom. The guy is out of his mind, but in a good way. We got to keep the clothes. Not to bad. Maurizio made me trade shirts with him in the end and I wound up with an overly tight t-shirt instead of the cool one I got. That's just the kind of guy I am. We ended up at El Centro. This bar that Z's bro Brandon works at. 3 shots of tequila later. I think we wound up at Astro Burger. (again) Fuckin love that place. Bacon avocado Cheesburger. We both realized we had no money and walk out so disappointed. After that I have no memory. I did make it home I think. Not sure. You gotta love this town.

:: The Cast ::

The first time we all got together was the swim of the Thames River. They woke us up a fuckin 5 in the morning, loaded us into these Mini Vans, and drove us to some parking lot. We waited about two hours for them to set up the first shot. While that was happening we were stuck in the vans and told not to talk. Yeah Right. I started talking the minute I got in that shitbox.

First guy I met was Brian. He was wearing an Inspector Gadget coat, White New Balance Sneakers and balding fast. I new he would be gone in a hurry. Jason was in the front seat. He was your typical steak head frat rat. No depth. Thought he would have a good chance to go all the way. Not a bad guy. I think he was wearing a three piece suit. Anwar was sitting to my right. He seemed cool. Didn't really say that much. Had them all laughing within the first ten minutes. Just to lighten the mood a little bit. I don't remember who else was in my van. I look across and see Johnny Blaze doing his normal boomerang dance moves. He was wearing a hippie helmet along with his Von Don't jacket. I knew right away that he had no chance to win. I know a retard from my neighborhood who was smarter than him. Good guy though. To my immediate right was Austen. My first thought was, who cast the chick. He had that blond hair, the big head and those lovely teeth we all know and love. They eventually got us out of the van and put the mic's on us.

That's when I noticed Frank. The guy was a goddamn beefcake. Fucking scared the shit out of me. I walked up to him and said hi. He didn't really say to much, so I was like O.K. I didn't really notice anyone else until after we got on the boat after the swim. That's when I remember meeting Maurizio. What a cool bastard. I knew we would be friends right off the bat. Just real laid back and funny as shit. Didn't really talk to Devonric at all. He had an oxygen mask on the whole time. I rapped to little mike for a while. He was cool too. I was sitting next to Austen and Blazeland when I met Slavco. He came over and seemed cool. He was really soft spoken in a retarded kind of way. I could tell he was really into himself, which is fine. Makes it really easy to make fun of him while he thinks I am complimenting.

That's just my first impression. It gets way better. Then, I AM RICARDO. What can I say, never met anyone like him. I'm sure he would like to think I was intimidated by him, but deep down inside I couldn't wait to start mentally breaking that idiot down. That's pretty much my first impression of the guys. I will get more in depth in future posts. If I missed anyone. Your weren't that important

They are good at what they do

I'm not so sure Austen is being portrayed the way he really is. They are making him look like a super nerd who sits home beating off and playing Dungeons and Dragons. (I'm sure he does that once in a while). Seriously, I went out with him this weekend. The guy is a fucking nut. Pulled down his pants at Astro Burger and smashed his ass up against the window. The guy is out to lunch sometimes. He's loud, he's abrasive and that's the way we like him. As far as the show goes. I have no idea who I am watching when they show Austen. Don't get me wrong. There is a lot of shit he does around me that he does on the show. I'm just pointing out the fact that television people can do what ever they want. Me, I look great. Minus the double chin, the pale face from drinking so much, and the wig they gave me. It's all good.

Vegetarian Chili

Had that shit for diner. Went and played tennis with Austen and just made it home before I had a small explosion in my pants. I got a question for you.. If you don't own a plunger, what is the next course of action? Thinking about jamming my hand in there, but then I'll have to shower again. What to do? Going outside to MacGyver something that resembles a plunger.

What the Fuck

Thanks for all the emails I've received from the message boards, (some crazier than others). Just need a place to vent my thoughts. First off, I would like to say I had a blast doing the show. Austen and Maurizio made it so much better for me. We laughed our asses off. I can't remember a time in my life that I drank that much and laughed so hard. My misplaced anxiety was at an all time high. (thanks for the Xanax Austen). Anyway, Get at me if you want.

seth@santaspeedorun.com